Anxieties, Misconceptions, and Other Holiday Joys

Like most people in Western societies at this time of year I will be traveling to visit my family, and like a great portion of these people I found myself experiencing some intense anxieties about my upcoming trip which were making my daily life at the moment a bit unbearable even though I am not yet actually traveling nor dealing with anything unpleasant. I love the saying that if you are resentful you’re living in the past, and if you’re anxious you’re living in the future (although, I just changed that saying as the real quote states being depressed is living in the past, but this is entirely incorrect as depression is an endocrinological disease caused by a deficiency of dopamine as I discuss in my book). But the point of the quote is to illustrate how failing to live in the moment causes us much displeasure and unnecessary frustration, and the real question is how to address these things? Such motivational quotes or equally inane lay-person/pretentious psychotherapy would have us believe we can simply shift our mindset and be free of such burdens. This oversimplification of human psychology and the consequences of pain and suffering not only fails to effect actual quality of life and emotional struggles but further entrenches them into the mind by placing the onus for human biology and the workings of the universe onto an inept and powerless mortal human being who probably cannot even reliably locate their car keys.

So this proved an excellent opportunity to demonstrate how I use the therapies of personal inventory to reliably and amazingly relieve myself of the irritation and debilitating anxiety which surfaces during such stimuli. I long ago did this practice for the more universal problems of family relations and trouble with my parents, so those weren’t the specific anxieties I was dealing with today. Instead my anxieties were centered around what if scenarios that not only made my upcoming trip a frustrating burden but my hour-to-hour and day-to-day life beforehand a generally unpleasant and unproductive time, even though I was not traveling nor doing anything that placed such an unreasonable demand on my limited emotional and psychological resources. I found myself worrying excessively about what might happen on a trip—Will my car break down? Will I run out of gas? Will I, like last time, get a flat tire along the way? Will I meet some unfortunate fate along an empty stretch of highway at the hands of a devastatingly handsome serial killer? Obviously these range from the rational to the irrational, but as a mature adult such problems should not be burdening my mind, since obviously even if problems do occur I have the ability to help myself and overcome them. And yet the anxiety persisted, unchecked, try as I might to ignore or resolve it.

That latter experience is exactly why we continue to suffer under the weight of anxieties and fears in spite of our efforts to adjust our thinking. Ignoring, repressing, or changing our mentality is in reality avoiding fears that do have real and tangible roots in our past experience and the very real manner in which our brains process and protect ourselves from new threats to our wellbeing in the future. Pretending that your fear of trouble is irrational is also denying the very real and very legitimate life experience you’ve endured to this point and the way in which our psychology functions in response to threats. This pattern of ignoring or suppressing anxieties only serves to amplify their control over your life, and distracting yourself or focusing on more positive things is simply delusional. There are often very real threats to taking risk, even if that risk is simply walking out your front door. The real problem lies in your opinion or yourself and your own ability to meet such challenges or cope with the consequences. It is because you feel powerless that these anxieties and problems occur in the first place, and the only way to properly deal with them and overcome their effects on your life is to rationally evaluate what they are, where they come from, and what it looks like when you face or deal with them should they actually occur. This therapy has reliably freed me from the countless debilitating anxieties and fears which ruled my life for the better part of four decades. Resolution I thought was impossible or only achieved through great financial and psychological expense was achieved instead through a few hours of simple writing exercises. This practice is thoroughly discussed in my book in the chapter on God and Spirituality, because its use makes room in the mind and soul of an anxiety ridden and traumatized person for things which are otherwise indiscernible through the noise of pain and trauma. Throughout our lives we develop coping mechanisms to protect us from the things which destroy our childhood naivety and happiness, but as adults these coping mechanisms can actually inhibit true relaxation, peace, and enjoyment in life. It didn’t matter this season that my last flat tire on my trip home I filled up with air and then drove the remaining 11 hours without another flat and no other disruptions. I still had intense anxiety about the logistics of travel, and fears of what might happen to my apartment and belongings if I wasn’t here to protect them. My rational mind recognizes that I’m a thirty-nine year old man who is capable of enduring these things. But my subconscious is still an eight-year-old boy who feels out of control in a world which is out to get him. The only way to access the subconscious and help it learn that it is a lot more capable than it understands is through such writing practices.

Through the process of the personal inventory I was able to pay respect to the fact that these fears are affecting my sense of emotional and financial security—parts of a human life which are required to feel safe. But it was also affecting my personal relationships since the fear of trouble was preventing me from relishing my upcoming chance to visit and enjoy my family. I also recognized that my problem had its origin in the past—because of actual problems which occurred on trips but also because trips with my family as a child were anxiety-ridden experiences which never had a relaxing or restorative nature. By recognizing that, yes, the reason for my anxieties was rooted in actual negative experiences I was able to validate my experience and thus legitimize my fears instead of trying to pretend they don’t exist or that I should somehow be ashamed for having them. Of course bad things can happen on a trip—flat tires, car trouble, crime, inconvenience, unforeseen events are all very real things which can occur when embarking on a journey. Does it mean that we should be afraid to go? No. But trying just to ignore these threats or look only on the bright side is a delusional and unhelpful strategy which blatantly ignores possible threats to our safety and security, and ignoring threats and problems is a completely unwise way to go about any action in life. This practice also enlightened me to the various coping mechanisms I have developed in order to deal with such threats, character weaknesses such as avoidance, insecurity, fear, being controlling, perfectionist, being overly serious, uptight, and frustrated. The fear inventory portion helped me recognize that, yes, of course I have these fears because of legitimate reasons both in my own experience and that of others, but which also had its origins in deeply rooted psychological trauma and fears that I am far less capable than reality has actually proven. Many times I have overcome extreme and severe threats to my personal wellbeing, but in spite of this victorious history of resolve and dogged determination I felt small and insignificant in the face of such relatively minor inconveniences. This also has a lot to do with the condition called learned hopelessness which I discuss at length in my book, but for which the solution of empowerment comes from such psychological work as these personal and fear inventories, which aids the subconscious in relearning new and empowering revelations about my own worth and ability as a person, since the subconscious can only be communicated with in such states as writing, when the conscious mind is subverted. Through this fear inventory I paid respect to my fears and their source of origin, but then recognized that I have in truth experienced an excess of ability to overcome such challenges even when they occur, and/or that even when such things occur it is beyond the scope of my personal responsibility to control other people and prevent such occurrences in my life, that such courses are meant to happen for my life experience and are as they should be, and that my only responsibility is to show up for opportunity and do my best, but also that life has proven time and again that things will always work out as they should, that usually I am taken care of, and that I don’t need to worry so much. These are all lessons I tried to tell myself as I went about my daily routine, but the conscious mind cannot convince the subconscious of an alternate reality to its own experience, and so it is only through these practices that such enlightenment can be achieved. The upside is that they are very simple and take only a few minutes of the day to do. It can also help you find connection to the deeper, spiritual side of life and receive answers to problems if you sit in meditation on the results. For instance, it came to me that I was getting an opportunity to spend time with and grow closer to beloved family members, a thought which had not really occurred and which now makes the anticipation of my upcoming trip an exciting and lovely experience rather than one which is burdened with anxiety and misconceptions about life and my role in it.

If you are someone who finds that they too are burdened psychologically by such things, break open the chapter on God and Spirituality in my book right away and start practicing. You can find resolution within a few minutes of problems which have plagued you for years and years if you are thorough and honest about the things you write down. The beauty of these therapies is that they require no mental gymnastics or other work trying to wrest control of your mind from itself. The only thing required is the writing. It will not only improve your own quality of life, but also of those with whom you spend your time. It’s pretty ridiculous, actually, the degree of benefits which occur from such a simple and nearly effortless practice, which seems that it should not be as effective as it is in its simplicity and accessibility. But that is part of the magic, and all you have to do is write.

If you want to hear how my trip went, you can read my article “Mortality, Aliens, and Chocolate Chip Cookies,” or if you are someone who experiences much emotional strife in relationships you can read about Recrimination in Relationships and How To Salvage Them. Or, many people experience these kinds of anxieties surrounding love and sex, and you might enjoy my article How To Get Laid (or Fall In Love, If That’s Your Thing).