The Cure For Depression
My battle with depression, represented here by my friend Victor as The She Hulk.
This is a an excerpt from my book, Fuck Portion Control, which contains references to other chapters. This information is provided to help those suffering from depression who would like an alternative approach to conventional medicine but cannot afford my book. I am also always available to chat with those needing help with this condition.
–––––––––––Chapter 13: The Cure for Depression
I never dreamed that a place like Club Axis in Salt Lake City actually existed. I was nineteen-years old and for the first time I saw people just like me who were not only open about their sexual orientation but were having a damn fine time showing it. Hordes of gorgeous boys my age danced and socialized as if the entire world was like us. Clubs like Axis were a haven in a world that showed little compassion and a lot of hatred.
Axis had an underage side and a 21-and-over side in which you needed a wristband to order drinks. Not daring enough to hunt for a fake ID, I would usually join my friends before the club to do some pre-drinking. The first night I got drunk to Alice Deejay and remixes of Tiffany and danced in front of a speaker which was nearly as tall as me I knew the rest of my life was going to better than it had been.
One night while traipsing across the dance floor I spied a devastatingly handsome boy with stone-white skin and short auburn hair. His eyes were wild with adventure, haze colored, lips hovering slightly apart as if whispering all the while his lust for life. I smiled at him, but naturally unsure of myself continued on to the bar (our side serving only soda, water, and Red Bull). Passing again through the crowd the same boy caught my arm and stopped me.“Do you have a problem meeting new people?” he asked. “What?” I replied, thinking he was being humorous. Apparently he had tried to say hi as I passed earlier and thought I ignored him. Always afraid of offending everyone I struck up a conversation, but our shared obsession with each other was soon too obvious to ignore. I asked if he’d like to go on a date. He agreed.
“Where do you live?” I asked.
“In this little town up north you’ve probably never heard of,” he replied. It turned out he was in the Air Force and stationed at the base by which I used to live when I was eight, in that dry, dusty hillside neighborhood. Our first kiss happened while hiking an island in the Great Salt Lake, and thereafter fucked like rabbits almost every day for the next year. If we had been an opposite-sex couple one of us would have gotten pregnant for sure.
Three months in I fell in love with him, but it was right before the holidays and he went home to Louisiana for Christmas and would not return until precisely one hour after I left for a New Years cruise in the Caribbean with my conservative family. I had never longed for someone so severely, so I left him a message written in glow-in-the-dark stars above my bed to see when he would slip in alone later that night, but was caught by my family who had arrived earlier than expected to take me to the airport and when asked what I was doing mumbled something incoherent and avoided their eye contact.
I felt like the first person to ever hate being in the Caribbean, bearing the suffering of separated lovers in secret, condemning myself for spending my first New Years with a boyfriend away from him. But even ours was not to be an ever-after story. My melancholy brooding and his mercurial temper soon proved incompatible. I mistook a silent departure one day and failure to phone for a week as a sign he was done with me and slept with someone else, surprised and horrified when he called a few days later as if we were still fast boyfriends and nothing had been amiss. The fallout from my honesty was further compounded by a surprise infection with HPV, which I had not even known existed thanks to my religiously oppressive upbringing and caused him some much undeserved heartbreak.
Dealing not only with the tumultuous newness of a relationship between two young and excitable boys I continued to battle the demons of my youth, and that all consuming crisis deciding whether or not I was loved by God. I knew my family had abandoned me, and the circles in which I was raised, what had heretofore been the embodiment of God appeared to confirm that I was indeed outcast. That boy was my only joy, the warmth and comfort from his embrace unmatched in its tenderness and passion to anything I had ever experienced, especially not by an absent God and society who shamed me even as a child and left my prayers for salvation unanswered.
Tormented by this life, with no one in which I could confide I broke apart on the inside. Old friends and family were not only emotionally absent, but physically, as my family packed up and moved back to Hawaii and left me alone in a state where danger seemed to spring from every corner. Inconveniently during the midst of this relationship I realized I had committed to one person too soon, whom I probably could not live with for the rest of my life. If I did I would also miss out on the opportunity of dating other people. It also seemed my waning affection for him was punishment for unnatural emotions, over which I was powerless. I resolved to end things with him, and to give God one more go. I was cowardly in how I approached it, overstating my belief in a religion which had plainly rejected me, to avoid responsibility for the heart I was breaking. This boy is such a good person and loved me so that he actually took me to church meetings and received visitors from Mormon missionaries because of my frenzied endorsement. It was not entirely dishonest, because I found that I could not reconcile the hurricane of shame and heartache in me while having to care for another person. But eventually we split for good.
The most senior ranking church official in my area was younger than they usually came. He had a debonair, masculine quality that instantly made me feel at ease. The last church official I had met with, a bishop, was bent with age and scowled when I told him I was gay before ghosting on me when I asked for help in getting reacquainted with the church. I didn’t let his behavior deter me from finding answers, though, and now sought help from this man who was what is called a Stake President. He was much more appealing physically that the other man, and also greeted me with warmth and compassion. He didn’t blink when I revealed myself to be gay. I met with him a few times and he listened to my heartache and confided in me about his own struggles in coping with the premature death of his darling wife. Though this man was a more senior official than the many I had known over the years he was the first to tell me that sometimes people are the way they are for no particular reason, that God loved me the way I was, and counseled me not to participate in the conversion therapy groups that had infected the region because he had seen how it destroyed men like me. It was the first time an adult, knowing full well my deepest secret, had ever indicated I was worth loving as I was, something not even my own parents had done.
One night while ruminating on my situation I realized I would be forever unhappy if I continued to sit the fence between Mormonism and being openly gay, and that I should make a decision and stick with it. Continuing in Mormonism meant more lying and dishonesty. I was desperately exhausted by that. Love in the arms of a boy had been more precious than anything ever given to me by God, or at least what I understood was God, so I chose to fully accept that I was gay and live with those consequences rather than the others.
When I was twenty-one and could legally entertain my growing alcoholism I went straight for it. Most of my friends were also ruined Mormon boys, expelled from their families and all of us loved to drink. One night before I learned to monitor my drinking I found myself at Club Axis with the world spinning wildly. I’d been enjoying myself but suddenly in the middle of the dance floor I was overcome with the realization of just how much I missed my parents. Not only had I lost them to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I had lost them to eternity, having moved away from home without ever really getting to know them in the first place. A suffocating sob rose to my throat. I was the tallest person in the middle of a dance club and about to start crying. I escaped before tears could come to my eyes, but found it difficult to walk the many blocks home, the city, spinning, more than once jumped out from under my feet. To this day I don’t know how I made it, but I rushed to my computer, ignoring my dog who pined at me from his crate and began furiously searching for plane tickets to Hawaii. I would call in sick from work and spend some time out there to repair the rift that had made me an orphan no matter what resistance they put up.
But I was too drunk to see the computer screen. Tears poured down my cheeks as I realized that my plan was ridiculous anyway, that they hated who I was, and even if I got to the island everything would end in as much heartache as it had before.
The pain was overwhelming. I wanted it to stop. I was tired of being depressed. For years my life had only ever gotten worse. The depression which had begun when I was twelve-years old had matured right alongside me. Now that I was on my own I could see no future for myself which did not involve a torrent of unbearable sadness. I was exhausted, and lost. I could not do it anymore.
There was a bottle of vodka left in the freezer. I could drink it and killing myself would not be hard to do. So I downed the rest of it, then pulled out a serrated bread knife. I put it to my wrist and gave a quick test-slash. It didn’t hurt, but a small divide opened on the skin. At first it was white, but it quickly turned pink and then red as a trail of blood ran down my arm. Good, I thought. This is going to be easy. I pressed the knife hard against my wrist and slid it with determination.
The pain was as if the knife had been searing hot. Unexpected, it made me drop it. For a moment my vision popped into clarity. The skin separated in a wide yawn and thick red blood spilled out like yolk from a cracked egg. It was much darker than I had expected, and ran down my arm like an open faucet.
I don’t remember picking up the phone to dial 911, but suddenly I had the receiver to my ear and the person on the other line was asking me to stay calm and that the paramedics were on their way. Just as suddenly my apartment was filled with four or five medical personnel. Embarrassed at causing so much inconvenience I tried to thank them repeatedly. I regained consciousness later while lying back on a bed as a doctor put stitches through the open wound. “Thank you,” I said in an overly servile manner. “Why did you do it?” he asked. Even in this drunken state I was too embarrassed to admit that I missed my Mom and Dad. No, it was more than that. How do you tell someone you have lost your family while they still yet live? How pathetic I was, I thought. “I think I have HIV,” I said. It was not entirely a lie, since for the last year I had lived in constant fear of the disease, fueled by the shame of my conservative upbringing and indoctrination as well as alarmist conditioning from LGBT community leaders. “Have you been tested?” was his reply. I shook my head, and blacked out once more.
I woke up later in a small room with windows looking out to the hospital intake area, spread out on a couch with my arm wrapped in clean bandages and identification bands around my wrist which confirmed that none of it was a dream. My head was swimming but the world was no longer in free-fall. I felt embarrassed at my failure. Failure to avoid suicide, failure to do it right. What I wouldn’t give to have someone who loved me at my side.
Soon a frumpy woman entered and greeted me with a tepid, condescending smile. “Before we can release you,” she said, “I need to ask you a few questions.” I confirmed that I was no longer a danger to myself or others. She accepted the lie without any prodding, and when asked for a motive I repeated the answer about HIV. The woman gave me some resources for counseling and said I was welcome to call someone to pick me up.
My friend had been waiting in the reception all night for me, said one of the receptionists, and had gone home to get some sleep and left a message that I should call him when I was released. Frederick appeared at the hospital ten minutes later, but seeing me offered no greeting and promptly turned around as if I should simply follow him out. I reached out and grabbed him and began crying into his neck. He had come to my apartment looking for me, horrified to see the ambulance departing, and then my apartment covered in blood. He cleaned it up for my return and taken my dog to his house, and for two days made me stay with him while he cooked, rubbed my back, and let me sleep in his bed, teaching me how to sculpt clay while we traded stories about our family and coming out.
Weeks later the malaise had not yet disappeared and I was afraid of falling back into a place from where I knew I would not return a second time. My sister had come to stay with me after returning from her Mormon mission but, like myself, had no life skills with which to survive and had spent the weeks on my couch trying to make sense of being loosed into the world. After revealing to my Dad what happened he agreed to let me come to Hawaii, upend my life and spend time recuperating. I quit my job, sold my belongings, and gave my lovely dog to a friend whose brother had a large farm in the middle of nowhere (since Hawaii required a month in quarantine for pets and cost more money than I could afford).
Landing at at the Kahului airport the fragrant, wet air hit me in the face like a warm kiss, filled my lungs with a calmness that nowhere else on earth comes so easily. But stepping out onto the curb I did not see my family anywhere. “Oh,” said my Mom when she picked up the phone, “we forgot you were coming in today.” I dozed on the curb in the bright Hawaiian sun, happy at least to be in paradise though uncertain of my future, content that it would at least not be any worse. Two hours later my parents arrived.
“We don’t mind you being here,” said my Dad after we got into the car and the long drive into Lahaina. “But there are a couple rules.”
“Rules?” I laughed. I was twenty-one and had not lived at home for three years, and already they were treating me like a child again. “Under no circumstances are you allowed to bring your lifestyle in our house—”
“Lifestyle?” I started, feeling the heat of shame rising within me much sooner than expected. This was the last thing I thought to endure on an island paradise, reconnecting with those who raised me after a year of separation, with them fully aware of my suicide attempt. But of course they would. “It’s not a lifestyle—” I replied, trying not to let them see how choked up I had become.
“What about pedophilia or murder, Nathan?” said my mother. “It’s not any different.”
The gravity of my mistake began to envelop me. I was not on my way to recover, nor to win back the love of my family. I was like a man who pleads guilty without understanding his fate until the prison door slams shut behind him, trapped far away from any semblance of an adult life. Everything that belonged to me which had enabled a small bit of freedom to live on my own was sold or given away. I was now trapped on an island, unable to even drive or walk away from here, least of all to afford a plane ticket somewhere else or a place to live, realizing none of this until I could do nothing about it.
The rest of the drive was a quiet one, my reunion with my siblings dry and emotionless, my sisters concerned more with the politics of sharing a limited wardrobe and tight living quarters than my visit after being separated for so long. No doubt they felt some uncertainty around the reason of my return and unsure how to approach me, having heard in every prayer and every inquiry about me since my departure that I was wayward, deviant, living in sin.
A few days later my parents introduced me to some new friends of theirs—A handsome couple, slightly younger than my own parents, with almost as many kids and each of whom was near in age to one of us. Their eldest was a girl name Helena, beautiful and intriguing they wasted no time in making her acquaintance on my behalf. When we were alone I wasted no time letting her know I was gay, not because she had any interest in me, which she did not, but to dispel the obvious imposition on her which had right away burdened our friendship. We did not become fast friends, as I think she was quite adhered to her religious sentiments. That’s the way it is with religious people—we would be their friend but for the hatred in their hearts.
One day while my family was at church and I was asleep in a cot behind the living room couch a knock came to the door. Surprised, I opened it to find their friend Adam, Helena’s father, standing on the other side.
“Hey Nathan,” he said. I immediately suspected a conversion scheme. “My parents aren’t here,” I said, hoping my rebuke was not too thinly veiled. “I wanted to talk to you,” he said. “I heard about your condition and I hope you don’t mind me saying but I wanted to let you know I suffer from the same thing.”
The shame which had threatened to surface turned suddenly to surprise. I relaxed a little and opened the door wider. “It’s part of why we moved down here,” he said. “The weather helps.”
“I’m okay,” I lied. Adam hesitated.
“Do you want to go kayaking?” he said. “I thought we could go out on the water.”
“Oh,” I replied. The last time an adult had expressed a desire to hang out with me was many years ago. “Sure,” I said. “Let me get my suit.”
Adam’s kayaks were already on his car, apparently quite confident in his success with me. We drove out of town and headed toward the inside of the southern bay on Maui. It was well into January but the air was warm, the ocean content. The kayaks were the river sort, short and broad, not at all intended for ocean going. The paddling was tough and required no small effort to put some distance between us and the shore, but it was magical with the waves lapping at the sides, the clear blue ocean beneath us. No more than a few moments later an explosion suddenly shot up from the water’s surface a few yards away, a blast of mist that sounded alive and breathing. Whales do that, appearing out of nowhere. No more than five feet to my left the enormous ridge of a humpback whale rose higher than my head as it undulated slowly through the calm water. A third whale bobbed behind us in the action of spy-hopping, where a whale rises high enough to look across the water at whatever has caught its interest, which in this moment was me. A fourth whale then came rocketing from the depths just a little ways from us, his entire bulk leaping fully into the air. It seemed to float for a moment in the air, all thirty-tons of him, before crashing down with a tremendous splash which nearly swamped our kayaks. Adam was all smiles and so was I. At rest in the midst of a peaceful ocean, the salt on my skin, the free air in my lungs while the majesty of life literally encircled us I began to cry at the wonder of it all. I realized suddenly there were probably actual answers to be found, I just had not discovered them yet. Clearly my family had none to give me, but perhaps I only needed to search a little more. I wanted to live, and in spite of my wounds I was going to figure out how.
If you don't know depression, you don't know the limits of mortality. A condition made worse by the stigma of dark ages mental health abstraction and religious indoctrination, I tried as many ways to heal as there are books about depression—Medication, therapy, social life, alcohol, food, sex, abstinence, self-will, yoga, meditation, love, entertainment, journaling, exercise, being super nice, being an antagonistic jerk, working, reading, not working, praying, asking for help, taking control, losing control. Getting sober in my thirties helped me gain a change of mentality and purpose, but it did not relieve my depression. Many religious friends and family, and sober fellows in spite of their best efforts and spiritual wrestling continue to suffer from depression. I deeply respect the abstinence of drinkers despite such a struggle, and unlike most of the world know a compassion for those who cannot abstain. Alcohol was a welcome reprieve from the monster of despair. Medication was hardly better, since it caused as many problems as it was meant to help, and robbed me of more than alcohol ever did. When it comes to depression, cure is a dirty word.
These days when I have sadness it is a beautiful, June Cleaver sadness. It is neither suffocating nor depressing. Having faced the black dragon, sadness now actually makes me happy, because it feels so normal, so safe. I have not had depression for a long time now, save for a few days spat at the first of my recovery which was pretty mild by my usual standards. I spend my days in happiness, content to be alive even when things are in the shitter or loneliness makes me want to crawl into bed. I know it is gone because I also no longer have swings to the higher spectrum, those rare and far between moments of fleeting elation are not the opposite of depression but its conjoined twin. The condition is unbalance in the soul of a depressed person, not just the depressive troughs which over time grow lengthier than the crests.
"The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality—” my favorite quote, by Andrew Solomon, illustrates exactly the dilemma faced by those suffering depression. We lack nothing that can bring happiness, merely the energy to live for them. But if vitality is what a depressive person lacks, is vitality the cure? How can I get it? What would I do to get it? Do I even want it? What even is vitality?
Anyone who has spent time with children knows how close to the surface their feelings lie. From an early age we learn what makes us happy, what makes us sad, and all the other complex emotions of the human experience but have little experience in their control or meaning. Before we have an inkling of reason these emotions drive us with as much instinct as any animal. Then we spend the rest of our lives operating from this perspective, seeking stimulus for the feelings we like and relief from those we don’t, keenly aware of the effect each emotion has on our wellbeing.
But our brains aren't able to sense their own existence. Or more precisely, we do not consciously perceive the action of the brain, because the brain is the very thing which is doing this perceiving and cannot perceive itself. The things it does is what we are, and how well it does those things is the measure by which other humans consider us. Senility, autism, even youth are all states of the brain which compromise an individual's relationship to healthy, fully developed adults. The more insidious states of rage, violence, and mental disorders further complicate human relationships. Medicine has for decades inculcated the names of hormones like serotonin and dopamine into the bourgeois lexicon, and people drone on about them as if they're of no more consequence than a license plate number or a flavor of soda.
Firstly in my depression I somewhat enjoyed it. My life took on a melodramatic depth and intensity of feeling, and indeed many people when faced with a possible cure to such problems will actually reject it, since the pain of suffering is not yet greater than fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. But this is not a way to live. Initially my path back to health was motivated by righteous vanity—done being overweight and sick. I didn't think much about how it would affect my inner conflict, until one day while hearing the chatter of L.A.’s immigrant flocks of lorikeets I realized I was alone and yet content. I fell down crying from sheer happiness, realizing that after twenty years of suffering depression would no longer be my shadow.
For most of the recent history of mental health research the hormone serotonin was considered to be the happiness hormone, but this stemmed from a misunderstanding of the effects of serotonin. On experimenting with sufferers of depression and the administration of serotonin-regulating pharmaceuticals medical researchers saw reductions of the manic, depressive symptoms which sufferers exhibited. This was taken as evidence of the effectiveness of such drugs and the explanation seemed to lie in the theorized and evident method of action which such drugs caused.
But serotonin is not the happiness hormone as it is called. Instead, serotonin is a hormone of torpor and hibernation. Torpor means to slow things down. In all animals which hibernate, serotonin rises to extreme levels as hibernation approaches. Its function is to slow down the metabolic rate so that these metabolisms don’t tear through the stores of valuable vitamins and minerals during hibernation. Without serotonin these creatures would probably not exist. In humans, serotonin has similar effects in slowing down cellular function, to help facilitate the healing process during acute injury as well as a primary function involved in the transit of food through the digestive system, or like the hibernating creatures to slow down metabolic rate in times of stress, to spare valuable resources from being exhausted. Raising serotonin seemed to benefit manic patients, and often it did, because it interrupts the unsettling effects caused by a high-metabolic rate facilitated by stress hormones, but not because serotonin has anything to do with happiness. To an agitated, anxious sufferer of depression the tranquilizing effect of serotonin can appear to be a cure in comparison to the alternative. But since it achieves this effect by keeping the metabolic rate low, this eventually leads to new and worse developments of the psychiatric diseases because their body is never able to return to the robust state of healthy metabolic rate which supports vitality and enjoyment of life. This is why so many pharmaceuticals do not relieve depression, and why they often carry an increased risk of other dangers like suicide, homicide, and sexual and metabolic side effects, because they further derange an already deranged metabolism.
This mistake does not mean that depression is a mystery, though. Depression is in fact very simple. Specifically, it is a deficiency of dopamine.
Dopamine is usually denigrated as a hormone of “reward” in a sense that reward implies a lack of self discipline, risk taking, or hedonistic indulgence. But dopamine is happiness. The characterization of hormones as being mere mechanisms of biology, keys which fit into certain locks to elicit a biological response is an incorrect characterization of the nature of these molecules. Hormones are the feeling which accompany them. Just like a rock is hard or a feather soft, or fire is hot and snow is cold, hormones possess the characteristics which impart their corresponding feelings. They are the very element of the emotion. If a hormone could be anthropomorphized into an actual person that person would embody the quality of that hormone—Cortisol would be anxiety, adrenaline excitement, testosterone arousal and aggression, progesterone love and kindness. If dopamine was a person it would be insufferably happy.
If we believe the illusion that our thoughts determine emotion and not the other way around, then our brain is functioning exactly as it should. The most basic illustration of hormones are as the catalysts which compel the course of our lives. Did you notice you were hungry before the thought came to you? Of course not. First the hunger must occur, then the signal is conveyed to the brain. The same happens with sleep and the need for physical intimacy. Feelings must rise first and then the thought follows. With the higher emotions the illusion of being led by thought is stronger, yet no less an illusion. Compare two persons equally inclined to react to a negative stimulus, such as making a choice between Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton. One person in our example who has a full stomach will have a much milder reaction than the other who hasn't eaten for some time, where both of them singly will react more or less intensely in relation to the time since their last meal. If thoughts lead emotion then why the variable with blood sugar? In fact, populations in poorer health tend to be more susceptible to fear, because less stimulus is needed to raise already high levels of stress hormones caused by poor diets and the stress of insufficient resources. It is no coincidence that populations generally exposed to better ideas of healthy diets as those who are educated, metropolitan, and wealthier are less likely to succumb to fear mongering and deceitful politics, because with more stable diets, nutrition, and thus hormonal state the emotions, which are hormones, are as well less susceptible to oscillation. Those who suffer from poor diet also suffer from extremes of emotional wellness, precisely because their bodies are not able to deal with stress, and so suffer from more extreme consequences of those hormones, having more fear, depression, and unhappiness than those who have healthy endocrine systems. Emotions are hormones, and are the sole enabler of our thoughts and motivations. Pump a man with enough drugs and he may soon act more like an animal, because the alteration of hormones by those drugs alter his thought and motivations. Yet we treat addicts and sufferers of psychiatric disorders as if they actually have control over their own biological processes, which is absurd, expecting them to do what no other person in their place could do either.
During a visit to my family a sister of mine was easily excitable, and I found her crying in secret. She confessed that she’d been short tempered and mean to her new husband, who is a kind and dashing fellow, as if for no reason at all. I had a hunch, her being newlywed, and asked if she was on birth control. That the alteration of her behavior could happen by pharmaceutical intervention had not crossed her mind, and she'd have continued to suffer in silence had I not caught her crying or if she had not shared her problem with someone who had an answer. She switched products and the turbulence vanished. Similarly, my long battle with depression could have ended much sooner had anyone pointed out the connection between diet, hormones and health. Yet in such situations we also expect ourselves to find relief or change in our own thoughts, striving to force by will the evolution of emotional hardships. But since the origin of our suffering is in our bodies, with hormones which affect our mind which is also part of the body, this approach never works except to further torment and frustrate the sufferer. If one wishes to improve their general emotional state they must first start with the physical health, which is the seat of hormonal function. For how can we expect to be happy when we don't even fulfill the first requirement for happiness, which is a full stomach?
When it comes to dopamine, reward is not only confined to risk or indulgence. Reward also comes from love, from close bonds, from achievement, from eating, sleeping, moving, fulfilling responsibility, from sex, from intimacy, talking to someone nice, from learning new skills, and overcoming hardship. The purpose of dopamine is not to impress upon a person the ways which can gratify us, but to emphasize behaviors which build the successful life of a social animal—one of honesty, togetherness, accomplishment, and ample resources. It is nature’s way of motivating social creatures, except that in the depressed individual dopamine is present in deficient amounts, so even reward fails to raise dopamine. Veterans who feel a preference for the military and a battle-ready unit to normal life fail to see how dopamine enmeshes them with their military brothers and sisters in the replication of a more natural human tribal existence, something they could easily duplicate at home with their own friends and family if only the prison of emotional inhibition typical of limiting societal expectations and unnatural isolation from other humans could be shed. Since dopamine motivates social togetherness this is also why the depressed individual suffers an impulse to isolate (which is not to say that other hormones don’t motivate as well). Without dopamine there is no biological mechanism to reward accomplishing behavior, but also because a deficiency of dopamine never happens in a vacuum, and generally accompanies a suppressed overall metabolic rate and the elevation of other stress hormones.
Deficits of dopamine occur because the stress hormone adrenaline is made from the same nutrients as dopamine, and is in fact also made from dopamine. Adrenaline release triggers are also extremely sensitive and occur from stresses physical, nutritional, and most potently, emotional. Because threats to our lives as human animals come most often from other humans, adrenaline is most strongly elicited from interpersonal conflict than any other reason. That feeling when a stranger yells at you for not bringing their food on time or a crazed driver slams on their breaks to teach you a lesson on a speeding freeway is adrenaline. Grow up under the influence of volatile and inconsistent parents and the years of chronic expression of adrenaline not only depletes dopamine but also conditions a stronger adrenaline response which prevents dopamine repletion by exhausting precursor amino acids L-dopa and L-tyrosine, leaving very little, if any dopamine and creating a person who in turn suffers chronic and debilitating depression or other mental health problems like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. When our metabolic health also begins to decline due to a poor diet, dietary patterns, or chronic stress behaviors such as combativeness, working too hard, or excess exercise adrenaline release becomes more sensitive, more chronic, and excreted in higher and higher quantities from stimuli which would otherwise result in a smaller release for those who are healthy, thus entirely and constantly depleting dopamine. During the night when we are asleep adrenaline is also expressed to release glycogen from tissue storage to keep our organs and metabolism running, but during metabolic decline, or chronic fasting, or caloric or carbohydrate deficiency, decreasing stores of glycogen require the body to release more and more adrenaline to squeeze out every last drop of glycogen to maintain adequate blood sugar. Because adrenaline takes biological priority over dopamine, depression begins to set in as dopamine and L-tyrosine stores are depleted, to support the synthesis of adrenaline. A deficiency of sunlight also promotes increased adrenaline production. When the eyes are not exposed to bright light, the precursor to adrenaline (called norepinephrine or noradrenaline), is expressed in higher amounts. Conversely, exposure to bright light decreases norepinephrine production, which is why depression most often begins to really develop during the wintertime or in those who are excessively sequestered indoors away from sunshine. Non-sufferers of depression take for granted that they are inspired to go to work, be chummy with old friends and new, the conceiving and execution of plans, discipline, and ambition—things which become inexplicably impossible to the depressed individual because not only do they lack the very machinery which allows such behavior, an absence of dopamine stimulates the human animal to isolate, to stagnate, to avoid using up spare and valuable nutritional resources and avoid the stimuli for excessive adrenaline release, which is typically, mostly, other humans. Dopamine is so important to our function as a healthy human animal that when dopamine deficient people discover drugs and alcohol, which temporarily restore dopamine function, they become addicted because without dopamine all humans feel like hollow, worthless creatures, and our deepest desire is to be fully functioning, healthy, and independent.
Of course there are prejudices and perceptions which can filter a person’s impression of their environment and even of their own emotions, and the chapter on God and spirituality addresses how religion and bias negatively influence our perception of life and how to overcome it with rational, actionable therapy. But the increase in good mood, motivation, and presence which I have experienced came from an increase in my physical wellbeing and restoration of normal dopamine production. Other habits I've picked up such as avoiding grains and keeping my blood sugar elevated have also done immense good for my hormone stasis, and thus my thoughts and emotions. It is easy now to be happy and motivated, to be satisfied with less, because my hormones are no longer in an extreme state of flux. Removing the hormonal chaos removes the outward manifestation of it. That high-energy we feel when engaging in excessive exercise, which feels a little bit like agitation when you first wake up in the morning to get going, or which keeps us from sitting quietly on the couch with a book, are actually stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline which are beginning to pile on your physical health and are not a sign that you are a go-getter or productive, which have risen because excessive exercise, pre-workout supplements, toxic environmental contaminants, volatile relationships, and inadequate calorie intake are forcing the body into a state of down-regulation and slowed metabolism (yes, even with a six pack), and are harbingers to harder challenges ahead. Maybe you are already in the throes of depression and anxiety, or anger issues, or starting to struggle with weight loss, because you have destroyed your endocrine system by depleting its resources through overuse and insufficient care. Perspective grants the space to make changes, changes alter the physical being, and physical being sets emotions and thoughts. A healthy person is happy and needs little. A sick person is changeable and needs much. When I was sick I felt constantly in a frantic action to find relief, and having learned so many incorrect notions about life and health I found little relief. Today I have found relief. Though I have a specific therapy to address depression, it generally came from my diet which is generally free of inappropriate grains (which cause inflammation), plentiful in fruit, sugar, protein, good fats, vegetables, sunshine, and coffee. The biggest surprise I found was how easy it is to get true relief, which even for a cancer ridden alcoholic came relatively quickly, and if a formerly cancer ridden, overweight alcoholic can experience such profound improvement so easily, imagine how easy it will be for you.
To understand why dopamine production is decreased in the body of those who are depressed and adrenaline increased it is helpful to understand how the body runs the metabolism. The body has four basic modes of operation. Activation (or excitation) which is facilitated by first-line, healthy hormonal function in which the organs of the body excrete, signal, grow, and rearrange, where cells generally expend energy outward from themselves toward the outward functioning of the organism, and is generally associated with being awake. The next mode is inhibition which is facilitated by first-line, healthy hormonal function in which cells instead turn their energies inward, to repair intracellular structures and mechanisms, to replenish stores of enzymes and coenzymes, vitamins, minerals, and otherwise prepare the cell for the demands which occur during the state of activation and is generally associated with sleep. The other two modes are activation and inhibition but facilitated through the workings of stress-hormones, whose job it is to rescue these metabolic processes when the first-line systems fail or are deficient to meet the demands of whatever stress is currently applied. These modes can happen body wide, as what occurs during the sleep/wake cycle, or it can happen on an acute, cell to cell basis.
The healthy inhibitory state is deficient during depression, which would normally enable or facilitate the appropriate production of dopamine during the excitatory state. The inhibited state is like restocking a grocery store. If there aren’t enough items or stockers to fill the store back up, when the customers come to shop there will only be so much they can buy. Caffeine and other substances can temporarily relieve one of depression symptoms, because it helps facilitate more dopamine than what the body is able to produce on its own due to insufficient inhibitor activity, but because the inhibitory state is insufficient the activated state must then engage its backup modes as well, which includes the stress hormone adrenaline as a necessary tool to keep the active state working. Specifically this deficiency is caused by a lack of an inhibitory substance called GABA (gamma aminobutyric acid), or GABA activity, whose role it is to stimulate cells to turn their energetic focus inward, to actively restore the internal constituents of a cell and regenerate its internal structures and nutrients. When I was first curing myself of all these metabolic diseases I found that the amino acid taurine cured my depression (in addition to a good diet). It turned out that taurine, which in healthy bodies is normally made in abundance, supports the GABA system and taking it as a supplement helps elevate dopamine by facilitating the restoration of cells through the GABA pathway, especially if a good diet enables the successful completion of those processes in providing plenty of vitamins, minerals, protein, carbs, and good fats. Without GABA a body in the active state, especially one under stress, is unable to meet the demands and is quickly depleted of dopamine and other factors which support a robust metabolic rate by an excess of adrenaline production, and thus a state of depression develops. Specifically, it works like this—taurine protects cells from excessive excitation during the excitation state. But excess stress and poor diets cause excessive excitation while simultaneously reducing the nutrition required to maintain sufficient taurine supplies. Taurine levels drop which in turn makes cells more susceptible to damage. To prevent this, inhibitory states are then activated to stop excess excitation but which in turn begins to use GABA constantly rather than cyclically during general states of inhibition. Further stress further depletes both which then stimulates excessive production of stress hormones like adrenaline which are needed to support the overactive metabolic state, which then depletes dopamine and causing further metabolic deterioration.
A slow metabolic rate causes plenty of health challenges, but a slow metabolism is absolutely unable to make sufficient taurine. Unfortunately taurine is not found abundantly in foods, at least not enough to therapeutically relieve depression, so when the body becomes sickened and looses the ability to synthesize taurine in sufficient amounts, a deficiency occurs. This deficiency of taurine is present in other metabolic illnesses as well, like Parkinson's disease and diabetes, and in fact diabetes is also characterized by an excess of adrenaline production, and adrenaline inhibits the activity of insulin (in order to prolong the supply of glucose). Taurine loss also occurs through the activities of pathogenic microbes in the gut such as from Bilophila varieties, which use taurine-conjugated bile acids as a source of fuel. Conditions like alcoholism or the medication Accutane can chronically impair the synthesizing of taurine as well, and survivors of both are often deficient in taurine even after recovery. Taurine also facilitates the proper and efficient use of proteins (from which many hormones are synthesized). It also supports a robust metabolism since it protects cells from overexcitation, and as such promotes healthy levels of sex hormones. Other important functions of taurine are to support gonad activity, hence the sex hormone support, and hair follicle growth. When the body cannot maintain adequate levels of taurine it also likely routes the available supply to more important purposes like the cardiovascular system, rather than the less important dopamine, at the expense of our vitality.
So long as the diet also supports these pathways, supplying taurine through a supplement short-circuits the entire cascade which leads to depression, thus sparing GABA, dopamine, and other health-associated hormones and nutrient supplies, and initially my departure from the dark, suffocating gloom of depression began simply by changing my diet as what is presented in this book and supplementing taurine. Red Bull energy drinks contain taurine, which is one of the reasons why it ‘gives you wings’ and improves mood (not to mention the caffeine, sugar, and supporting B vitamins). If a person does not have a deficiency in taurine, they do not experience the notable effects of supplementation because taurine is not as pharmacologically active the way drugs are. Taurine is not at all present in plants, which is one of the reasons why vegetarians can (especially vegans) suffer metabolic diseases and depression. After learning that Taurine supplementation could help regrow my lost hair and reduce unwanted body fat I began supplementing it. At first it has the effect of increasing bile output (because it is a component of bile acids). This can give a stomachache, and I learned that I had to ease into the dosage, starting at 500 mg a day until eventually taking up to 8,000 mg a day (taurine should never be taken for longer than a year without some meaningful break—a good rule to use with all supplements). As taurine increases the metabolic rate it is important to always take with adequate food, especially carbohydrate, otherwise it may cause low blood sugar and associated unpleasantness.
Because dopamine is synthesized directly from tyrosine, eating foods high in tyrosine or using a tyrosine supplement can help directly supply dopamine, but only if certain requirements are met, otherwise it will actually promote adrenaline and make your issues worse rather than better. This can be demonstrated in the way coffee helps to alleviate depression—coffee (caffeine) increases the metabolic rate through dopamine pathways and, like taurine, also promotes dopamine synthesis. This improves the metabolism of sugars and promotes CO2 production which in turn promotes relaxation and feelings of wellness. But if you haven’t eaten much food, and especially if lacking in carbohydrates, the body cannot fuel the rise in metabolic rate stimulated by coffee, so it in turn releases adrenaline in order to supply carbohydrate through the release of stored glycogen, but because you haven’t eaten and are likely low in glycogen anyway, the body produces more and more adrenaline, at the expense of dopamine, in order to get every last molecule of glycogen and when the body runs out glycogen it then produces cortisol to catabolize your lean muscle protein into sugar, and you become a jittery, anxious, hungry, emaciated mess. This state is precisely what occurs in those with bipolar disorder, which is an even more exaggerated state of dopamine drain and adrenaline overproduction, highly sensitive to any adrenaline triggers and desperately lacking in any relevant homeostasis between the two. Those with bipolar disorder, I have observed, are always unaware of their hunger impulses and as such fail to eat regularly which in turn exaggerates the adrenaline release. They are also more sensitive to adrenaline triggers, due to aforementioned factors of abuse, light deficiency, and poor diets and dietary habits, and so adrenaline release turns them into raging tornadoes of emotion. As such, this condition is first treated by rigidly maintaining a proper eating schedule, full of generous quantities of good foods, sugar, carbs, fats, and protein, avoiding any lapses in blood sugar, similarly treated with the therapeutic use of taurine which will promote a better homeostasis of dopamine and reduced adrenaline release when paired with an increase in nutrition.
A primary promoter of adrenaline excess is also a zinc deficiency. Because zinc is essential in pathways which produce calming, healthful, and youth-associated hormones like the sex hormones, pregnenolone, and dopamine, a zinc deficiency instead causes the body to be more sensitive to the expression of stress hormones, and it has been shown in studies that expression of stress hormones is also accompanied by an increase in the proteins which bind and transport zinc, reflecting an increased need of it during times of stress. When a person suffers from depression their need for hormones like pregnenolone increases, which in turn increases the need for zinc, and if zinc intake is impaired either by poor diet, dietary behaviors like fasting or calorie restriction, or by pathogenic microbial interference as discussed in the chapter on gut health then the body is unable to produce the healthful hormones which thus leads to increased stress hormones, the depletion of dopamine, and onset of anxiety, depression, and other neurological illnesses.
One of the worst things people can do for their health is drink coffee on an empty stomach first thing in the morning. Due to the long night glycogen stores are already low and stress hormones high, so taking coffee on an empty stomach only serves to catabolize lean muscle and promote catastrophically high stress hormones. This is also a reason why those who exercise in excess, or in the morning before eating, or who have a caloric or carbohydrate deficiency often develop mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, instability, bipolar disorder, or lose their hair prematurely, because the body cannot properly run metabolic pathways without adequate fuel, especially under stresses of simulation and exertion. Oppositely, coffee with adequate blood sugar and stocked glycogen and taurine stores produces less adrenaline and lots of dopamine, which in turn facilitates a robust metabolic rate and increased cellular function which then helps tissues remodel, regenerate, and clean themselves out (the primary activation pathway). Likewise, if you are not eating properly and you supplement tyrosine this will cause an increase in adrenaline, rather than dopamine. Adrenaline is also the hormone of anger, so extra tyrosine can also make you feel angry, and if this occurs you should absolutely not supplement it and should instead address taurine, GABA, and exposure to stress. But the only thing worse than excess adrenaline is not enough, since the depletion of tyrosine (or phenylalanine which can be converted to tyrosine) would cause a deficiency of adrenaline when it’s needed, impair glycogen release, thus causing tissues to succumb rapidly to stress, which is a situation more common in those who are aged, suffering cancer, or otherwise severely metabolically ill who cannot properly digest protein and so naturally develop deficiencies of adrenaline and dopamine. Use of taurine, maintaining good blood sugar and a sufficient diet, and reduction of stress factors will naturally help restore normal adrenaline production, but excess adrenaline can also be restrained by the amino acid lysine. Foods like meat and dairy are very high in lysine and lysine directly dampens the magnitude of adrenaline release while a deficiency amplifies it. Other upcoming chapters discuss lysine in greater detail, because it does have some side effects if taken in excess or chronically such as inhibiting the immune system or sexual arousal, but a small dose such as 1-2 grams a day in addition to foods high in lysine like cheese, casein, milk, or meat can help to strongly reduce adrenaline expression, especially if other therapies for this are also practiced. Because it is effective at reducing adrenaline, the loss of adrenaline highs can actually make a person feel more depressed at first since they have only been running on stress hormones for so long. But this is an excellent sign that it is working, and other steps to support robust dopamine activity will quickly supplant those negative feelings. Lysine is particularly effective for anxiety, but being the same pathways of excess stress hormones but with extra cortisol thrown in, must also be addressed through a proper diet and restoration of normal taurine levels. Lysine can also be used right before coffee use (1-2g) to help prevent an overexpression of adrenaline.
Diet is more important than supplements when dealing with depression and other emotional disorders. Because many foods contribute to the condition from substances which are not as compatible with our physiology, failing to alter the diet will sustain the condition and taking supplements or medication won’t do you any good. This may sound ominous, but the diet I eat which cured me of depression is both indulgent and high in calories, so it is not a diet in the sense of deprivation but in the sense of composition (more detail about what makes a healthy diet is discussed throughout this book). To summarize what constitutes a diet helpful for relieving depression would be a diet of foods which are both easily digestible and stable in the high heat, high oxygen environment of the human body. If a fish were left on the counter in a one-hundred degree room how would that fish smell in an hour? How about two? Since our bodies concentrate oxygen it isn’t too difficult to imagine how quickly the components that make up a fish can quickly turn rancid. The same is true of many other things in our food supply, like corn oil, soy oil, etc., which when bought off the market shelf have been deodorized and cleaned to remove any of the normal warnings of rancidity, to trick the consumer into thinking they are fresh. This doesn’t mean they aren’t rancid, only that the smell has been chemically neutralized in order to trick our senses. Common wheat gluten produces so much inflammation it prevents healing and cellular regeneration, and must absolutely be abandoned in order to recover from these illnesses. Excess dietary nitrates also inhibit mitochondrial respiration through the excess production of nitric oxide, which in turn stimulates the activation of the stress-backup modes of cellular metabolism. These kinds of foods directly tear down the metabolic integrity of the endocrine system. They are the destroyers of vitality. Similarly the body cannot produce sufficient taurine and dopamine without generous supplies of calories, glucose, fructose, and protein, so starving, low carb, and dieting only work to promote depression and impair recovery.
Replacing bad foods like fish oil, soy, canola, corn oil, etc., with better choices like butter, cream, or coconut oil is the first important dietary modification required for those suffering depression. Instead of canola oil, use butter. Instead of cheaply made ice cream which uses allergenic gums and emulsifiers choose another brand which takes care to make actual premium ice cream and not in name only (Trader Joe’s, I’m talking to YOU). When dining out choose mashed potatoes to avoid the cheap, crappy vegetable oil used by the restaurant to make chips and fries (yes, even at fine dining restaurants unless they specify the type of oil). When unstable fats react with oxygen and free-radical species in our body it results in catastrophic inflammation of organs like the pancreas, where taurine is generated, and prevents the normal function of systems to heal depression. It doesn’t mean you can't have chips or fries—I often make homemade corn chips and French fries, but they are made in coconut oil or grass-fed beef tallow. There are some brands of potato chip made entirely in coconut oil (and they are very tasty). The chapter Good Bread talks about what types of wheat, grains, and breads can be consumed safely. Instead of conventionally grown leafy greens, which promote excess nitric oxide production from nitrates, use low-nitrate organic choices like asparagus and broccoli. Chiefest of all is avoiding carbohydrate deficiency, which drives up adrenaline and cortisol production, through consumption of generous amounts of sweet potatoes, squash, yuca, fruits, unrefined sugar, etc. If the body is to heal and be able to make its own taurine, GABA, and dopamine, it must be supported by a diet which supports those metabolic pathways, without exception.
The neurological root cause and resolution for the development of depression, anxiety, and PTSD type disorders which promote increased adrenaline production at the expense of dopamine in the first place and what results from trauma and poor dietary history is in the serotonin/melatonin function of the brain and the effect that sunlight and trauma has on these processes. One of the purposes of melatonin, which is derived from serotonin and produced in the pineal gland, is to lower the metabolic rate. Like serotonin, the nature of melatonin has long been misunderstood. They are both part of the backup, stress state of inhibition which, unlike the primary state, does not restore the full functionality of cells but causes them to more or less simply slow down, to stop functioning as much as possible while continuing to sustain life. This is a protective mechanism to reduce the use of spare resources. Melatonin rises in response to the availability of light at times associated with severe nutritional deficit, such as at night when we are sleeping and unable to eat, and wintertime due to deficiency of sunlight and food availability, but also artificial wintertime such as is caused by excessive sequestration indoors. To lower the metabolic rate, melatonin functions by inhibiting normal cellular oxidative respiration, a process required to promote normal dopamine production. Melatonin strongly inhibits GABA, the primary facilitator of healthy inhibition, which is why the impulse to take an afternoon nap, when melatonin is at its lowest, is often so much easier than falling asleep at night, and in fact melatonin is GABA’s complimentary stress backup but because of its mechanism of action does not have the fully restorative benefits of GABA. This effect is also compounded by the presence of excess nitric oxide originating in the gut from high dietary nitrate, since nitric oxide also inhibits mitochondrial respiration and the regeneration of tissues during GABA expression. Bright light, especially sunlight, lowers melatonin overall, because the precursor to adrenaline, norepinephrine, which is expressed during the absence of light exposure to the eyes does itself stimulate the release of melatonin from the pineal gland. So it is the absence of light exposure which causes excess melatonin to rise and thus suppress the restorative metabolic functions, conversely resolved by generous exposure to sunlight. Prolonged sunlight deficiency dramatically increases levels of melatonin as the body shifts into a state of metabolic inhibition to protect itself against the stresses normally associated with winter and nighttime. Because this shift is also delayed in regard to seasons, occurring only after the stress of light deficiency has begun to take a toll and not concurrently, depression is most severe during the springtime, after winter has already caused the elevation of melatonin, and as the world emerges from its great slumber and plants and animals begin to celebrate, the disconnect between strong emotions and the sights and sounds of new life can further demoralize a person with depression, who is also at their peak melatonin levels which will not begin to drop again until the stronger rays of summer arrive. If a person continues to stay indoors and sustain the light deficiency this state of metabolic limbo can persist indefinitely. Conversely, light therapy can strongly reverse melatonin excess, especially when replete with riboflavin which is light sensitive and used by our body to regulate circadian rhythms. It works so well that the immediate reduction in melatonin will temporarily cause a backlog excess of serotonin (which is supplied for melatonin production) which will then in turn create an extremely severe increase in depressive feelings for the first 12-24 hours of light therapy, making a person feel even more despondent and hopeless as if this therapy is not working. But this is actually an excellent sign that the light therapy is effective and the excess serotonin will resolve after just a day or so, which will then result in immediate and continuing feelings of wellness and vitality, especially if supported by all the aforementioned factors.
The area of the brain which regulates serotonin production is called the dorsal raphe nucleus, and it just so happens to be highly influenced by light. Some researchers are already beginning to confirm this phenomenon in studies on PTSD patients, but hampered by bias and limited understanding of the mind their findings have not yet struck the chord they need to. During events of heightened stress (nutritional or environmental) or intense trauma such as occurs during childhood abuse, military service, being raped, or other traumatic events the function of the raphe nucleus becomes profoundly altered and as a result begins to chronically elevate levels of serotonin which can compound already existing nutritional and environmental factors already promoting excessive serotonin, melatonin, and adrenaline. This alteration to the brain is called learned hopelessness and is discussed at length in the later chapter on alcoholism and addiction. I believe this condition to be the prey reflex designed by nature to lessen the suffering of an animal during its demise, as it requires extreme stresses to trigger this kind of trauma to the raphe nucleus. We no longer experience predation by wild animals, and due to medicine and other modern advancements in health we now live through such trauma to find ourselves irreparably harmed by the experience. Some drugs strongly block the effects of serotonin, such as cocaine which acts to inhibit serotonin transporters and as such can relieve a person of associated traumas. But serotonin also plays a role in morality, which is why heavy cocaine use and other drugs of this variety can cause a tendency toward extreme amoral and violent behavior, and why healthy, natural strategies to address such problems at the root cause is a better course of action than superficial pharmaceutical intervention (and in case you have the thought, no, such drugs do not remove consequence, remorse, and regret, any more than appetite suppressants remove the requirement for food, which is another reason those who use cocaine in excess go insane). The trauma which occurs to the raphe nucleus downregulates dopamine, GABA, lowers the metabolic rate, and even interferes with sleep or causes substance abuse (as discussed in the chapter on alcoholism and addiction), among other things. But generous exposure to natural sunlight can and does reverse the condition, as long as the diet also supports good health, and the conditions of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and PTSD can be effectively and permanently treated through direct bright-light exposure when also supported by the other dietary and interventional therapies in this chapter. While the method of exposure does not need to be specific, it is helpful to acquire a bright, artificial light in the warm spectrum such as a 300-watt incandescent, LED, or even a bright halogen lamp. A convenient way to apply therapy is to the rear and sides of the head, which effectively stimulates the dorsal raphe nucleus to stop producing the hormones of torpor which cause the condition. Light exposure to the eyes directly lowers melatonin production, but light can target the back and sides of the head as would be the case if we spent our days foraging under the sun as did our ancestors, turned away on account of the brightness the light, which will sufficiently stimulate the raphe nucleus and thus reverse the steady and excessive expression of serotonin, allowing it to regenerate and heal while also freeing you to do things during this practice like watch TV or read a book. There are studies which confirm the sensitivity to light of the brain in the presence of light independent of the eyes. It is this sensitivity to light which helps those parts of the brain regulate hormonal function and circadian rhythms, and can thus be used therapeutically to heal relevant diseases. A course of light exposure for at least two hours every day for two weeks is enough to strongly banish depression and sustain good feeling for a great amount of time. Because the stimulation by light increases the metabolic rate of the brain, it is also necessary to consume generous quantities of vitamin C in order to facilitate the increase in metabolic rate, else the brain will refuse to reach its peak metabolic potential, since vitamin C is an antioxidant which protects cells during high metabolic rate, and should be taken immediately prior to light exposure. Not much is needed at all, about 200-400 mg a dose, and can come from natural foods like oranges, black currants, rose hips, raw green peppers, guava, strawberry, papaya, acerola cherry, etc., which are extremely high in vitamin C. By providing riboflavin (vitamin B2) to enhance our sensitivity to light, a dose of brewer’s yeast or riboflavin some time in the day before exposure will also help as well. Again, this therapy when effective will actually cause an increase in depressive feelings for the first day after beginning, due to the reduction of melatonin production from serotonin which in turn causes a temporary excess of serotonin. This is an excellent sign that the therapy is proceeding as it should, and after this backlog is resolved in a day or two a full resolution of these conditions can be expected forever after so long as the diet continues to support a robust metabolic rate with good foods, good fats, and avoidance of stressful dietary behaviors such as fasting, excessive drinking, excessive strenuous exercise, excessive dietary nitrates, and avoiding chronic light and riboflavin deficiencies. If it should ever recur simply practicing it again is a simple task. This practice should not be uncomfortable, so if you experience headaches or other side effects, you’re probably overdoing it and should take a break, taking care not to overheat and to raise your metabolic rate through the practices in other chapters in support of this therapy.
Because our perception of life, ourselves, and the people in it can be colored by our experiences it is often necessary to practice the therapy of personal inventory in the chapter on God and spirituality to shed mental triggers associated with abuse, trauma, disappointment and frustration which can stimulate adrenaline expression, especially since other human beings (or our interactions with them) are the strongest triggers of adrenaline release. If you find yourself in constant rumination, worry, and obsession, unable to find peace and resolution in your mind you must practice personal inventory in order for your psyche to be freed from the burden of these coping mechanisms. During the winter a red light such as an infrared warming light available at home improvement hardware stores can provide supplemental light and heat energy. Red light is often more therapeutic than other wavelengths (and fluorescent light can actually cause problems), but I have found some infrared mixed with red to be the most helpful overall since it also supplements some heat energy and is very pleasant to help get you through the winter. For some reason, a lot of people don’t actually attempt this therapy and continue to wonder why they suffer from depression. Light exposure is vital to permanently reversing depression, and you must be getting generous light exposure every single day. If you aren’t, then you have a light deficiency and you must take steps to address it (and guaranteeing riboflavin sufficiency to facilitate our response to light). Using an artificial bulb while reading or playing video games is one of the easiest therapies to practice, and bright incandescent bulbs are inexpensive. If you have these symptoms, go outside and get some sunshine or buy a bulb and put it to use.
There are some studies which seem in conflict about the benefits of low melatonin, and indeed there is a great difference between melatonin which is naturally low due to a healthy body, which has little need of its adaptive functions, than when melatonin is low because of age or disease and a subsequent inability to produce it. The low levels I advocate are that which result from improved health rather than the artificial lowering or blocking of melatonin, since doing so in a stressed state would be damaging, rather than helpful. In the elderly and those with advanced disease states it is possible that low melatonin can be a sign of the inability to make it, but even in this case it is more helpful to restore normal melatonin through diet and adequate exposure to sunlight than to supplement melatonin. This apparent discrepancy between studies and medical observation is very relevant for other disease states and biological elements, where there can be a difference between low or high levels of one thing or another in the case of good health, which further supports health and longevity, and the same measurement which might result instead from stress or disease and an inability to produce it. Strangely, there does not seem to be much awareness of this nuance in medical studies, certainly not in medical practice, and is why understanding of context is so important in the determination of health conditions and the therapies which restore them, because assumptions drawn from test results can misleadingly correlate and can and does lead to misguided theorizing, prescribing, and diagnoses.
Some quick tricks can be used to temporarily relieve acute depressive episodes as well if the aforementioned process cannot be practiced (but which are not substitutes for a good diet and improving the metabolic rate). The most effective is to take a dose of vitamin B1 (thiamine). Because vitality is determined by the amount of energy our body can make, vitamin B1 taken with food, especially carbohydrates, can immediately perk up the metabolic rate and help you feel more relaxed and energetic. In fact, all people with depression have some B vitamin deficiencies, which is why it’s important to address gut health for the long term resolution of these conditions, and regular use of B1 can help sustain mood and energy until such time as gut health is restored. The unripened skin of organic banana peels also contain enough dopamine (between 100 and 800 mg depending on the peel) to lift depression for an entire day. Emulsifying a peel into a smoothie is a great way to temporarily relieve depression, but the peel can have anti-nutrients so it shouldn’t be used frequently. Aspirin, coffee, sugar, sodium, and sunlight exposure can also lift the metabolic rate temporarily and improve the synthesis of both taurine and dopamine, because those substances work with the first-line, healthy mode of activation states and the stimulation of dopamine. The chapter on GABA is a comprehensive dietary strategy to induce and support the healing effects of GABA, which is not necessary for the resolution of depression but can be a useful support to it. Sodium loss is also another serious effect of stress, and also contributes to excess adrenaline expression, for which the use of sodium acetate can also be therapeutic. Because it is similar to sodium but with a stronger charge, lithium is one of the best treatments for depression, whose mechanism of action is to more strongly promote sodium pathways than sodium which in turn helps mitigate the effects of sodium deficiency, and works especially well with anxiety and PTSD. Lithium also enhances the body’s response to light and improves circadian rhythms and the expression and function of GABA, so it can accelerate the effectiveness and response to light therapy, but is not needed in the excess doses of prescriptions. Lithium orotate is available as a supplement, and supplement forms and doses are safer and much more effective, even if only taken every day or two.
Early on, a good diet and taurine was enough to resolve my depression, since supplementing taurine helps to negate the insufficiencies of the pathways which lead to depression. By using this light therapy my condition became so stable that I no longer required taurine to feel happy. My brain chemistry, strangely, has been altered so that as I recalled my suicide attempt and read my old journal entries I could no longer revisit the feelings which had driven me to such a desperate course of action, and began to understand why those without depression cannot comprehend how truly awful it is. Depression indeed is a sinister creature, only understood by those it touches.
In the chapter How to Perform Self Therapy I discuss how to measure pulse and body temperature to chart the metabolic rate, which directly reflects vitality, in ways which are easy to do at home and don’t require assistance. Measuring vitality with these tools is not a way to diagnose disease or replacement for proper medical care, but is a way to help you understand your progress back to good health and empower you in your own journey. It also helps identify fluctuating variables of diet and environment which can sabotage efforts to get well, making the cause and effect of diet and behavior more clear than it seems when we try to deduce through simple observation, waiting, and hoping, which never work.
Like most I believed the terms of mortality could be ignored. Rude was my waking. To work with the limits and logic of physiology, as well as adopting a self-honest attitude toward the factors that influence it has freed me from the darkness of depression and ill-health, and anyone else can do this too. The use of taurine, a good diet which supports the normal function of the GABA system, and targeted light therapy with vitamin C can maintain vitality and provide permanent relief from diseases of depression. It is important to have enough carbohydrates, protein, and good fat to fuel the metabolism otherwise starvation can negate the benefit and cause uncomfortably low blood sugar and thus inhibit a healthy metabolic rate. So always adhere to the first requirement for happiness, which is a full stomach.
Here are 6 Easy Ways to Interrupt Depression, advice on how to make coffee properly, more on how seasonal changes affect depression, or information on how to cure alcoholism and addiction problems. The most important therapy in my book is a trauma therapy practice which helps us to resolve past pain and trauma from our lives that interrupts what we want and gets in the way of our best interests. If you’re interested in something like that and fixing your other health problems get a copy of my book.