Narcissism—Or, How to Make A Proper Apology

Tell me if you’ve heard this one— “I’m sorry you were offended.” Because of my past tendency to be drawn to narcissists, this statement and many like it were peppered liberally throughout my young life, and I wasted many years trying to communicate to those who spoke this way that they had hurt me and not succeeded in repairing the damage. We often tread water in such relationships hoping for change, believing that things can get better, and before you know it you’re nearly 40 and blew every chance at a real storybook romance precisely because of this ignorant perception of love and relationships.

Many people mistake the purpose of an apology. It is not to admit wrongdoing or cede power, or to submit to defeat. Instead, the purpose of an apology is to strengthen interpersonal bonds.

When we have offended someone, even if it was unintentional, we are often horrified at the prospect of having done so, whether willing to admit it or not. We become the bad guy, and none of us wants to fill that role. Regardless, when presented with a conflict there are two options—we can let the pain fester and so erode the bond which sustains our connection, or we can take responsibility for what we’ve done (even if it is unintentional) and give that person for whom we care a reason to continue spending emotional currency on us.

While the word sorry is often employed during conflicts, such statements as “I’m sorry you were offended,” is demonstratively and objectively NOT an apology, and the word sorry does not itself constitute an apology. When I was young and naive (and drawn to narcissists) I always thought that men spoke to me that way because they truly did not comprehend their effect on my life. It was only well after the end of a relationship with someone who cheated on me relentlessly did I realize he always said “sorry,” when caught but never “I’m sorry I cheated on you, and it won’t ever happen again.” He never had any intention of stopping—only sorry that he had been caught. In that sense he was always earnest and honest about what he was sorry for, which did not include his actions, and thus was never an actual apology, since the intent was never to fix what had been broken. I wanted to hear that he was sorry for his actions, which he wasn’t, and so I only heard what I wanted to hear and wasted several years of my life hoping things would get better.

I also failed to understand that argumentative people are always disingenuous, or even downright dishonest. If you are also a person who takes words and actions seriously, we will always make the mistake of assuming others share this view. But antagonists nearly always have no attachment to their words other than what facilitates their victory. Thus, we mistakenly believe a fight to occur on equal ground, when really the enemy has been digging a trench around you the whole time. Such people never even intend to resolve conflict. They thrive on it, so making it end does not serve their purposes. Whenever I argued with an ex about his behavior in our relationship I always assumed he shared a desire for us to be close and our bond strong, when in fact he never even had that intention, from the very start. After a period of time I would feel this disconnect between us, feel dissatisfied, and either discuss separating or actually attempt to do so—he would argue with me fiercely, make grand overtures with flowers and cards, and express sore regret over separating. I would feel confused about the disparity between his actions in the relationship and the intensity of his protestations, and considered that maybe I was too critical or was mistaken in my evaluation of our relationship. It was only after we finally broke up for good that I found out he was telling people he had not been in love with me (he mistook attraction for love) for a couple years, even though during that time he often went to great lengths begging me to stay and making a great show of his desire to remain together. It turns out his exaggerated reluctance to separate was only ever meant to make him look like a nice guy, when in reality he did not actually want to stay together, which makes much more sense considering his behavior. There was probably some fear of failure on his part too, but at no point in our relationship was he ever actually playing fair. It is never worth it to stay engaged in conflict with someone who sustains disagreement and does not actively work toward resolution, because this betrays evidence of dishonest intent. The words which come out of the mouths of such people mean nothing to them—that’s why arguments become circular and logic breaks down and morals conveniently shift or change. You will get nothing from engaging with them except frustration.

I was watching a favorite YouTube channel and was presented with some controversy surrounding a popular Minecraft YouTuber who, years ago, said some very inappropriate things, and when confronted about it earnestly tried to walk back the incident and minimize his actions, speaking at length about how he is a different person and doesn’t do that anymore and tries his hardest not to offend. He said “I’m sorry if I offended anyone,” and “my goal is not to offend anyone.” There are a couple major problems with this kind of position when you have been accused of doing something wrong. It is clear that people have been offended—that is why they are bringing it up. Saying “if” both betrays your lack of empathy and reveals you to be actively lying in your supposed apology because they’ve just told you they were offended and you are characterizing it as “if,” not “that.” This is no accident either, but a crafty and manipulative way to avoid taking responsibility while engineering room for interpretation by those who, like me, are looking for a reason to forgive you. But more than that, such behavior reveals feelings of shame and embarrassment felt on the part of the offender who is probably truly horrified to hear that they have behaved in a way that hurt others. We all make mistakes, and we cannot live life without hurting people—It is inevitable even and sometimes especially when you do not intend to. Human language, social constructs, and human psychology are all conspiring against you. Many of us act very selfishly (myself included) as if our behavior does not have direct consequences for those who are involved in our lives, indulging our wants and whims with reckless abandon then throwing up our hands in exasperation when we are confounded by the consequences. Anger rises when you say ‘if you were offended’ because your active desire to ignore how your actions have affected others makes the hurt worse, demonstrating callousness instead of empathy. Since all relationships are based on various degrees of trust, your refusal to acknowledge how intertwined those strings of attachment really are communicates to others that they do not mean much to you, and it is then dangerous to be so intertwined. Since they don’t want the relationship destroyed, they try first to insist that you demonstrate commitment by acknowledging it. Yet, the person who has been accused of wrongdoing who refuses to do so will grow still more terrified, not only by being set upon but also by recognizing how truly close and intimate they have become which in turn means further possible pain and disappointment should it fail—and their fear intensifies as the subconscious ego sounds its alarm.

Narcissism is often characterized as a steely personality who holds no punches and cares only for the self. In reality, narcissism is a mind which is more fragile and traumatized than most other states of mental illness. Denied access to any amount of love and intimacy as a child, a narcissist’s only recourse is to then love themselves, and the prospect of more hurt and disappointment at the hands of others is so great that all avenues to facilitate this are cut off. I used to hate one of my exes for his narcissism. I also used to think my childhood was terrible, until I learned about his. I don’t see how any person could come out of that being different than he, and the subsequent work I have done on my own life has helped me understand what was really going on in his mind during our relationship—Being told by the person you love that you have hurt them is one of the most horrifying things a narcissist can hear, and some people are so traumatized that their mind is literally unable to accept it. All they are able to hear is that every excuse used by their abusive caregivers to justify the beatings, the criticism, the emotional manipulation and neglect, are true.

Empathy is a luxury enjoyed by healthier minds. Because a human being under severe emotional stress must find desperate ways to ensure its own survival, empathy is inactivated when threats to a person become so severe as to be endangered by it. Suffering from such mental illness, a person then becomes unable to rewire their own mind, because none of us are stronger than biology. This is why getting through to a narcissist can be very complicated, and above all you must avoid turning such a relationship into competition. If this occurs, all that will result is the repetition of the conditions of their childhood, and because their mind is so traumatized it will react by throwing up defensive behaviors. This does not mean that you must allow anyone to hurt you—in reality you should probably not even be with or around people who are like this, and it is fine and well for them to learn the hard way how to properly conduct themselves in interpersonal relationships as an adult. A narcissist must be empowered to recognize that threats to their person no longer exist except from that which they engineer themselves. If you become or continue to be part of that, they will never get well.

To get through to a narcissist you must in turn demonstrate the greatest empathy and objectivity. This is not something they expect nor know how to react to, since the entirety of their life has been filled with nothing but animosity and conflict. It is admittedly very difficult to do this. In the midst of such a conflict I one day decided I was no longer going to react to my partner’s provocations, and his resultant consternation was so palpable and surprising as to make me giddy with laughter. Narcissism is a coping mechanism just like any other, and as such it fits within your own coping mechanisms like a puzzle piece—These are usually: heightened emotional sensitivity, combativeness, poor-self esteem (because who else could love them except someone who doesn’t love themselves), and other control and manipulation schemes we develop to survive our own childhood experiences. Simply willing yourself to shed these can be done, but it is also extremely difficult, mostly because you also have not learned empathy and compassion for yourself and the things you have gone through, so it is difficult if not impossible to do for someone else. The real trick to achieving this (as I know) is to practice the trauma therapies of personal and fear inventory discussed in my book, which help us to fully resolve the trauma, pain, and frustrations of our past. This in turn empowers us to become our own advocates, no longer at the mercy of our subconscious coping strategies. It then becomes far easier to extract ourselves from cycles of conflict, since those feed on reactionary and subconscious triggers.

The best and most effective skill I learned from completing these therapies was how to actually make a real and effective apology. Making an apology is a skill which should be taught and must be learned, just like other skills such as writing, riding a bike, or playing a sport, but which most of us are never even able to observe in practice. But when we are engaged in the kind of self-incrimination which occurs when confronted with conflict, the ego fights mightily against the act of apology, fearing to expose ourselves to yet more hurt and humiliation. The good news is that human nature is on our side when have offended others. Humans abhor conflict, and apologizing can thus neutralize animosity nearly instantly. Apologizing increases our power because it resolves conflicts with those on whom we rely for nurture, support, companionship, income, safety and security, or even social status and fame. If you find yourself saying things like “I’m sorry you got hurt,” instead of “I’m sorry I hurt you,” ask why you withhold compassion and empathy from others. It is likely that you withhold it from yourself as well, believing it is not okay to make mistakes. As I mention in my article on wholeness, it is okay to be a broken, pained, and traumatized person. Life is very difficult and it takes a toll on all of us, and you should not feel the need to always be strong and pretend you have no scars or bruises or flaws from your time on this earth, especially if you have gone through such egregious things as abuse and neglect. This, however, does not absolve you of the responsibility to properly maintain your relationships, and an apology is the tool we use to do that. If not for others, for ourselves.

The first and most important thing to recognize when making an apology is that whether or not you caused hurt purposefully you can do something about it! Pretending that you did not affect another person’s life will not only fail to make the problem go away, it will add another notch to the long tally of such failures which crowd in the back of your mind and keep you from knowing peace. It is within your power to use words to resolve these conflicts, so long as you do not pretend nor trivialize your role. If someone really is taking advantage of you or exploiting your willingness to make an apology, that is their own crime and has nothing to do with you nor your apology. Nobody can truly take your power from you, and being afraid of losing it by properly acknowledging your role and mistakes is the ego trying to protect you from more hurt and disappointment, the heeding of which further jeopardize your wellbeing through the destruction of interpersonal ties. Always identify your role clearly and without reservation. ”I’m sorry I hurt you,” or “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” and “it was wrong of me to say that/do that/act that way.” Demonstrating that you understand exactly how your actions impact others is even more important than understanding they did in the first place. Do not then follow this up with a “but” or other qualifications. Just as you have a responsibility to acknowledge your role in conflict, so does the other person, and qualifying your apology with an amendment is the ego’s way of forcing this out of the other, relieving them of their own responsibility in the conflict. If you do not allow them the space to do it willingly and of their own volition it then cheapens their contribution to the resolution just as their demand does to yours. An adult does not need to make other people stroke their egos and reassure their fragile emotions. That is what children need—and adults that act like children are those who have suffered so much abuse and neglect in their childhood as to retard emotional maturation. Becoming conscious of these infantile tantrums of the ego and growing beyond the urge to demand, control, and coerce a specific response from other adults is the embodiment of maturity (which is also not the egomaniacal psychoanalyzing of your partner or opponent). Concern yourself only with your own actions and choices and allow the other adult the space to do the same. If they truly refuse you the same courtesy that is the mark of narcissism and you can, if you grow tired of it, leave and find actual adults with whom to socialize and cohabitate.

A true apology also seeks to amend whatever wrong has been caused. Concerned with the wellbeing of those we love and care for it should be your utmost goal to correct what harm your actions have caused, regardless of intentions. Apology is merely the words which accompany the action, intent, and demonstration of concern and care for others, and words without action are dead. It is why a poorly worded apology is so especially caustic, because it immediately communicates deceit and unwillingness to repair damaged relationships. If your intent is to protect the ego and marginalize the pain of someone else, prepare to be cut off from the light of their emotional wellspring—for though you may be skillful in argument you cannot debate the human heart.

We are all broken in many ways, and it’s ridiculous to feel that we should not be touched by the experiences we’ve gone through. If you are someone who uses recrimination in relationships, you can stop the cycle and repair the damage. Often we resort to these coping mechanisms because we lack the skills to find success in love and relationships, so here are some new skills you can develop to help you get laid.