Financial Trauma and Fiscal Responsibility

Whenever I think back on my younger life and the problems I used to deal with, one that always sticks out is sitting down at my laptop in an apartment in Los Angeles at the age of twenty-seven and practically trembling with fear at the spectre of looking at my bank account. I could not avoid it because my debit card had just been declined, even though I was sure there had been money in there, and the fear was so intense that even then I knew that it was not normal, but without any idea how to resolve such a problem was doomed simply to persist in this endless cycle of avoiding my finances, making bad financial decisions, being forced to deal with them, then repeating once the latest problem had finally been dealt with, and seemingly never achieving my financial goals or having any kind of financial stability.

Many us are ‘bad with money,’ or many of us tell other people they are ‘bad with money,’ as if these kinds of problems are simply a skill issue which requires financial knowledge and wisdom, because this implies that we could take a course, read books, or receive instruction from knowledgable persons that would empower us to not only avoid making consequential financial mistakes but to actually save money and have a financial plan for our future and that this would solve those problems. Indeed these are not, in fact, problems which arise from an absence of skills—I used online courses (free), instructional videos, and books and advice from revered financial advisors (Suze Orman immediately comes to mind), and still had these problems. I frequently made financial plans, budgets, spreadsheets, and used financial software like quickbooks or the built-in tools of the bank I patronized, and yet without fail I would find myself on a weekly and monthly basis over-drafting my bank account, living outside my means (even when I didn’t purposefully intend to), and generally have no idea where my money was going or what was happening to my finances, even when I was actually putting in real effort, planning, and discipline.

The reason these problems are not solved by discipline, planning, and all the other tools recommended by influencers, gurus, and advisors is because most financial stress, lack of responsibility, and poor financial decisions have absolutely nothing to do with financial knowledge or skillset, but instead are rooted in our conception of ourselves as an effective individual and sense of self worth. One of the primary financial mistakes I was making was taking on larger obligations like the cost of my apartment, housing, utilities, and vehicle than was even necessary. For instance, when I drove my old car drunk into a concrete barrier at the age of twenty-eight I was so embarrassed at my behavior that I signed a lease on a BMW in order to advertise that I was not so much of a fuckup as that incident betrayed. As a talented and successful motion graphics artist and animator I could technically afford it, as well as the two-bedroom apartment I rented, but those obligations were taking most of my paycheck, because there was also the insurance payment, gas, the cable-TV package and internet, and the fact that I was paying rent for a 2 bedroom instead of having a roommate and even though I was not especially materialistic. Like most people I felt the need to portray myself as someone with at least a modicum of success. I didn’t know why, it just felt like the thing to be done, that if I did not have success then I would be less of a person.

This is why the offensive receipt of a bounced debit card transaction or a bill of collection in the mail was such an affront. It was a direct refutation that I was not the kind of person I thought I was, or wanted to be. Numbers in a bank account don’t make us feel rich or successful, but stuff and things and vacations and dinners with drinks do. When I visited my bank account and the numbers were far lower than I assumed, it was not only a disappointment from my expectations, it was an insult, a judgement, a denigration of my character and identity, so I could not look at my bank account without experiencing such intense anxiety and shame that looking at my bank account was impossible, until there was no other choice.

Always when I was younger I assumed, like many people also do, that my financial decisions would improve if my bottom line improved, that it was simply a problem of not making enough money. But T-pain, the famous rapper, blew through 40 million dollars like it was nothing, and now spends his time trying to educate people on financial stability. Of course the thought that goes through my mind is that I would be much more responsible with 40 million dollars, but I was not making bad money in my 20’s and I couldn’t stay in the black even when I was making more than enough to cover all my expenses.

I never did get rich, but for the last ten years of my life I check my bank account at least once a week, if not every several days, and always have an accurate total of my finances (instead of the total I thought). I had a small debt ten years ago but slowly paid it off and have had no debt ever since. I even had the IRS reevaluate my tax obligation in 2021, and was able to still pay the increased amount, even with the financial stress of the pandemic, and not ONCE have I over-drafted my bank account or missed a credit card payment, even when I have been making about 100-thousand dollars LESS per year than I did before changing my life to write books and help people, because living within your means does not mean living within your means only when you’re rich, and can be done no matter what your income level is, fundamentally structuring and restructuring your life to cut back on expenses—a cheaper, smaller place to live in a less expensive city, getting rid of your car and using transit or biking instead, only using internet for media instead of a cable subscription, making coffee at home (how to make good coffee).

I often see people on media who have a large house, with a yard, but are apparently poor and their house and yard are a clutter, and they have no clue that they live in a house that is several thousand square feet larger than the apartment in which I live, and could grow their own food in that decrepit yard, cutting down much of their food budget, and far richer than they actually believe. But the irony of having a more comfortable life living on a fraction of what I made previously simply because I am better now at handling money is quite remarkable, because for most of us the financial problems we experience are a product of how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. If for instance, like me, you think your financial problems will be solved when you make more money then they will never actually be solved, because most people make plenty of money to cover our obligations and even to live very comfortably, but we get into trouble because of decisions that are founded and rooted in our conception of ourselves. If you believe you are a reflection of your outward, material success then no material success will ever rehabilitate your conception of yourself because material success is inherently transient and fleeting. When we achieve success it can be taken away at any moment, so going from poor to rich your fears and insecurity change from getting rich to staying rich, and from worrying about over-drafting your bank account to losing your status and the pretended security which comes with it. This is why rich people are usually such awful people, because they are just as insecure and fearful as any poor person might be but with the money to actually act on their neuroses and insecurities. While financial advisors and gurus might have some useful advice, they are most often themselves simply predatory opportunists who use people’s anxieties about finances to sell you products, books, and courses, but they not only don’t solve the underlying problem, because they don’t know the psychological origins of financial stress and irresponsibility, the supposed “tools” they recommend like using software, having a plan, and staying on top of your spending habits directly feed the insecurity and fear which drives the poor decision-making in the first place, by nurturing the delusion that money is real and that we can control fate by simply being rich.

Gambling and other supposed “addictions” related to finances and money are also similar in their origins, because gambling is a way to feel excitement when a person otherwise does not have much to look forward to in life. Life in truth can be pretty boring, unless we create drama and conflict to fill the quiet hours, and being unable to appreciate the mundanity of life and beset by unrealistic expectations of ourselves we put down $1,000 on a bet or a card table in order to believe, if even for a moment, that our lives can be as exciting and hopeful as what such a future of being rich might entail. But then people get rich, and find their lives to become even more boring than before, since they no longer have any challenges, then go around fucking things up and destroying the lives of others just to feel that excitement again.

The primary problem at the root of resolving these dilemmas, problems, and frustrations is also not found in an attitude change or better mindset. We’ve all made New Years resolutions that failed almost as fast as they were made, or created great plans to have a new attitude, making gratitude lists or buying some new software to help us manage our finances only to be rudely rebuffed by reality that these things do not work, and the reason they do not work is because they do not address the root of the problem, which is the inherent contradiction between reality and our expectations of it. When I was a young man possessed of much anxiety about my self-worth and acceptance by others the inherent shallowness of being accepted by people who would only like me if I was a success or had a career was not apparent to me because I had been raised all my life in a family which treated that as inherent and normal. It is, in fact, extremely wrong, and the inherent value of a person comes simply from existing, not how much money we have or how many people like us, and we value such things instead because of the inherent power they have over life, the power to neutralize fear and misfortune, that we can hopefully avoid loss, heartache, embarrassment, and rejection. But the reality is that none of us can actually avoid those things, and even trying actively to avoid them means that we are making decisions based on fear, and no decision based in fear can ever be effective because fear is also always rooted in ignorance, and being thusly uniformed to the reality of reality we act ineffectively and thusly receive the consequences of being ineffective, not of being undisciplined.

The anxiety I felt which kept me away from my bank account and financial obligations was therefore not due to being bad at money but thinking myself incapable of meeting unexpected challenges or living without the money I thought I required. In fact, if worse came to worst and I found myself living on the street, homeless, with only the clothes on my back I would get to live outside all day long instead of being trapped in an apartment—and there are programs to help the homeless get shelter and food, and kind people willing to help, and I have talents that can and have earned money, and wealthy friends that would not hesitate a moment to help me if I needed it. Money in fact isn’t real, and the financial structures and institutions invented by the modern world are nothing but a construct to facilitate commerce and organization, and it can be taken away at any moment just as it can also be given, and our lives are a lot more than simply what is in our bank account. So now when I look at my bank account I no longer see my self worth, or the possibility of ruin, but ironically just a bunch of numbers.

Getting to this state of mind is not difficult logistically, and only requires a pen and paper and some time set aside every day, but it does require some resolve and determination to change, so most people do not do it because we feel so safe in our control and coping mechanisms than what might lie in the unknown. That is another of the ironies of these problems, is that although the chaos of our lives is often unsettling and distressing we actually, unconsciously, prefer the chaos as a validation of our identity and purpose. What will your life mean if you no longer have crisis after crisis to attend? But of course we all want peace and stability, and that is found through the inventory of past experiences, fear, and trauma as is discussed in depth in The Perfect Child, and a brief instructional video on my YouTube. Since there is no paywall to those (please make a donation as requested for the book if you are able), even those of you whom are unemployed and struggling HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Specifically, topics to inventory as instructed to recover from financial trauma and anxiety are fears and resentments against things like: money, banks, society, financial insecurity, employment, losing a job or getting fired, bank accounts or looking at them, shallowness, judgmental people, materialism, taxes, government, fraudsters, swindlers, your boss, coworkers, working, financial obligations, homelessness, poverty, the rich, success, prices, inflation, going without, shame, embarrassment, conflict (especially financial, such as with a partner or family), debt, credit, debt-collectors, romantic partners, women/men (whomever you romance), dependents (children), retirement, savings, the future, past financial mistakes, etc. Any thought which might arise that causes stress or preoccupation which is rooted in financial stress should be inventoried, regardless of its veracity.

There is in reality never any reason to stress about finances and money. Most of our problems originate simply from being unempowered to handle challenges in life and the decisions we make which are informed by incorrect conceptions of our self-worth or the conditions of life. While life can be dark and stressful it is also very beautiful, and the far larger part of every day is actually quite uneventful and normal, but many of us exist nearly every waking moment in a hell of anxiety and hypervigilance. Those are only control mechanisms meant to anticipate every and all possible problem which might come our way, and the only reason we feel this way is because of incorrect beliefs that we actually can’t handle those problems, even when we have spent a lifetime doing just that, because these problems are rooted in our psychology and our conception of ourselves, because we don’t have control over anything anyway. The more inventory done to resolve these problems the sooner and more fully your anxiety will vanish. So get to work! It’s certainly easier than being in debt.